thekimblog

1.) Parking attendants.

I don’t want to have to stop and talk to someone so that they can tell me where to park.  I can actually figure that out on my own.

2.) Hawaiian print seat covers.

They’re especially brutal in mini-vans.  But then again, anything having to do with mini-vans is brutal.

3.) Feet.

What’s the opposite of having a foot fetish?  I have one of those.  My family’s feet are ok, I made two-thirds of them after all.  Can’t do strangers’ feet.  Have to avert eyes.

4.) Crossing guards.

They’re in the same category as parking attendants.  I’ll run over the kids if I want to.

5.) People who talk in movie theaters.

F*ck you.

6.) People who talk LOUDLY on their cell phones.

We know you are important, we notice you – can you please take your important self somewhere else?

7.) People you don’t know, like restaurant servers, who use the word “we.”

“Have we decided what we’re going to have for dinner?”  F*ck you.

8. Eager greeters.

I feel accosted every time I go into a place like Bed, Bath & Beyond, or Pinkberry (I am sorry to say), and an eager, peppy employee SHOUTS “Hi, Welcome to Blah, Blah, Blah” DIRECTLY AT ME before I’ve even fully stepped over the threshold into the store.  Please don’t do that.  I just want to slide in unnoticed.

9.) Halloween cards.

Why?

10.) Got (blank)?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!

11.) Celine Dion.

Saccharine sweet, sappy, faux French, ew.  Even putting her on this list hurts me.

12.) Women for Obama Bumper Stickers.

Wha?  Why not keep going?  “Redheaded left-handed Caucasian Virgo women accountants who wear contact lenses and talk with a slight lisp from the suburbs of Columbus, Ohio for Obama.”

13.) Whistlers (in public).

Please don’t.